Finding Freedom

Someone said something to me a week ago that got me thinking. I was talking with them about my divorce and I found out they had been divorced previously as well. Towards the end of the conversation they said, “Yeah well it’ll take a year or two to process and really move on, and don’t feel like you have to share this with anyone else- it’s none of their business.” That hit like a ton of bricks, and it left me with this gut (God) feeling.... that that simply does not have to be true. To some, at this point, it might seem like I’m making light of the marriage I was in for almost 4 years. Quite the contrary. I still grieve for the “firsts” that have been stolen from me. My first proposal. My first engagement ring. My first wedding dress. My first vows. My first wedding. My first husband. My first time living with a guy. I took it all so seriously, and now those moments, that I cannot get back, have been stolen from me without a second thought. I wrestle with the fact that I don’t get to be the girl who did all of it only once. I guess you could say now, going forward, that marriage has been made even more sacred and precious to me because of having it taken away so suddenly.

I feel that God has impressed it upon me to write the things I’ve written and to share the things I’ve shared. I am not in the place I was when I wrote that first blog post. I’m not even in the place I was when I wrote the second one. I praise God for those moments of reflection and bearing my heart to “the world”. If it wasn’t for that, I would probably still be in the dark, exactly where I was 8 weeks ago feeling lonely, ashamed, and embarrassed. How much pain could we all shed if we just let go of our pride and were honest with ourselves and those around us? However it’s not just because of my public diary entries (aka Blog Posts) that I’m in the place I am today. It’s because of so much more than myself. It’s your prayers, it’s purposefully choosing to go and be alone with Jesus, it’s seeking wisdom from wise people, counseling, fasting, it’s letting the “gunk” out even when it’s ugly (yeah go ahead and try to convince me that Carrie Underwood doesn’t sing Cry Pretty for me... I dare you), it’s belting worship songs by yourself in the car when you think no one is watching (ahem.... people at red lights are usually watching), it’s realizing that Jesus provides you the perfect moments to make you laugh (like when you find your old Jump5 poster that you used to practice your smooching on), it’s finding old journals where I first started pouring my heart out and realizing that yes, I have changed tremendously over the years, but somewhere deep down who I am has always remained the same- because who I am has always been deeply rooted in who Jesus sees me as. It is, after all is said and done, still my hope that someday, maybe soon- maybe not- to find someone who sees me even better than I see myself, but now most importantly, that he sees me how Jesus sees me. So back to this person’s comment- doing life alone is not how it’s meant to be done. Sharing my heart with you has been more than just “getting it off my chest”, it’s a real-live testimony of how quickly Jesus can heal your mind and your heart if you want Him to. Don’t get me wrong, I will never be so healed that I don’t need Jesus. Without the sadness and the wrongs of this world, we wouldn't need a better Hope. I am glad to say that Jesus has heard my prayers and your prayers and has brought me the longing desire, hard-work, and fierce dedication to not stay stuck in the dark stuff for a second longer. It is with those moments that I’m here sharing this next truth with you: I know for a fact that it doesn’t have to take a year, two years, or whatever the world tries to convince you of, to heal and find freedom..... not with Jesus. With Jesus healing and freedom can happen right NOW.

Romans 2:19 Romans 13:12 2nd Corinthians 1:12 Ephesians 4:25 Ephesians 5:9 Matthew 11:28

Love, Marisa Mae